Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt query. It takes immense courage to open up about something as intricate and emotionally layered as a mother-daughter relationship. I truly see how deeply your mother’s behavior is hurting you and how much you wish to avoid disappointing her. It’s clear you’ve strived to be understanding and empathetic towards her, yet you find yourself reacting in ways you later regret. You’re navigating this with thoughtfulness, sensitivity, and a profound desire to preserve your bond while simultaneously protecting your own well-being.
Let’s explore some steps you can take:
Her Behavior Isn’t About You
First and foremost, please understand that your mother’s behavior has nothing to do with you. People’s actions often mirror their own internal feelings. Frequently, we project onto others what is unhealed within ourselves. You mentioned she was raised by strict parents and that you notice her repeating this pattern with you. There’s a strong possibility that she is projecting her own unhealed experiences onto you, perpetuating a cycle. While your empathy and understanding towards her are truly commendable, they absolutely do not obligate you to tolerate being treated poorly.
Redefine What It Means to Be a ‘Good Daughter’
I hear your concern about not wanting to be labeled a “bad daughter.” But what does being a “bad daughter” truly mean to you personally? What is your interpretation of obedience? What does it mean for you to acknowledge your own wants and needs? Are the choices you’re making driven by love—or by fear and ingrained conditioning?
These are vital themes I encourage you to delve into and redefine for yourself. Many of us grow up shaped by layers of inherited beliefs—passed down from family, culture, and society. Over time, we can lose touch with our authentic voice, beginning to live according to external expectations rather than our true selves. These are important questions for introspective reflection.
You Can Embrace Both Love and Difference Simultaneously
It seems your mother is deeply concerned for you, even if her expressions aren’t always helpful or kind. From what you’ve shared, her desire to see you married likely stems from a place of worry or fear. However, it’s equally clear that you possess the self-awareness to know that marriage is a monumental life decision and commitment, and this simply isn’t the right time for you. When your desires don’t align with hers—and neither party feels truly seen or heard—resentment naturally begins to build on both sides.
The crucial question then becomes: How do you honor your own desires while still maintaining a meaningful relationship with your mother?
Focus on What You Can Control
A fundamental principle to remember is that you cannot control or change anyone else. Your influence extends only to yourself: your actions, your choices, your words, and your behavior. Once you accept this and begin directing your energy toward what is directly within your control, managing situations will become easier.
Set Boundaries with Kindness and Clarity
Your empathy is a beautiful quality that clearly demonstrates your emotional maturity and your desire to understand your mother’s perspective. However, here’s a critical point: empathy without boundaries often leads to emotional exhaustion or even self-abandonment. Based on what you’ve shared, it appears your empathy is currently coming at the cost of your emotional safety and peace of mind. So, how can you begin to safeguard your emotional space while remaining compassionate?
The answer lies in establishing healthy, respectful boundaries.
Boundaries are the internal lines we draw to define what we are willing to accept in our relationships—and what we are not. They are not impermeable walls meant to shut others out; rather, they are guidelines designed to protect our mental and emotional well-being. When implemented with kindness and consistency, boundaries actually strengthen relationships in the long run by diminishing resentment and preventing emotional burnout.
For example, in your situation—if your mother begins to compare you to other family members or friends—instead of absorbing the hurt or reacting defensively, try responding calmly with something like: “I know you mean well, but it really hurts when I’m compared to others. I’d appreciate it if we could talk about something else.” This approach is gentle yet direct. It clearly communicates that the behavior is unacceptable—without attacking her as a person.
If the behavior persists, calmly and assertively shift the conversation: “I don’t want to discuss this right now.” Then, gently change the topic. If it still continues, you have every right to politely excuse yourself from the room. Over time, through your consistency and respect for yourself, you will teach her how you expect to be treated.
You can also establish a boundary around the topic of marriage by stating: “I’m not ready for marriage right now, and it’s not something I want to discuss at this point. I’m focused on my career, and when I feel ready, I’ll let you know. Until then, I’d appreciate it if we didn’t bring this up again.”
You are not closing the door forever. You are simply choosing when and how that door opens. This is a powerful form of agency.
These boundaries are not ultimatums—they are tools to protect both your well-being and your relationship with her. Remember, the key to successful boundaries is consistency. It may take time for her to adjust, and you might encounter initial resistance—but over time, you will be modeling a new kind of relationship: one where both individuals can be themselves, feel safe, and feel respected.
You Can Love Her and Still Live Your Truth
Remember, it is perfectly acceptable to choose a life path that diverges from your mother’s expectations. You don’t need to abandon your relationship to live your own life. You can love your mother deeply and honor your truth while setting limits and choosing a path that aligns with your own values and timeline. This process is known as differentiation—and it’s a crucial part of developing into your unique self.
Prioritize Self-Care
Last but certainly not least, I encourage you to integrate self-soothing practices into your routine, such as journaling, meditation, or simply dedicating quiet moments for yourself. These practices can be incredibly helpful in grounding you emotionally.
Begin with these small steps and observe how you feel. If, at any point, you find yourself needing deeper support, reaching out to a therapist or coach can be immensely beneficial in navigating these patterns and emotions with greater clarity.
Wishing you strength and well-being.
— Haya
